Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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