I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
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