she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
