Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
