I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Randomize
