I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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