fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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