My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
