AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
