Just fell off a train. Bad.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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