Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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