when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
