my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
