I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Randomize
