is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
