I think I won the penis lottery.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
