I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
