so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
