I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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