Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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