Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
