I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
