This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
