so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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