This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
