I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
