Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
