He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
