dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
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Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
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smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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