If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
