guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Randomize
