Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
