Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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