Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
