so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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