did you get engaged???
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
