How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
