OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Fuck appropriateness.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
