I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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