I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
