was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
