somebody snuck up and got me drunk
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
even my farts smell like vagina
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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