He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
