Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
