I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
