I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
