i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
