I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
