rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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