I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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