wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize