remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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