I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
