Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
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