i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
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If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
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I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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