also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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