you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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