I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
