I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
