Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
