i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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